guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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