my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
