I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
