I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
