Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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