I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
