Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
