Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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