Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
