Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
