Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
