I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
