I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
