Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
