My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
