I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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