he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
