I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Is Oprah even human
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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