I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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