if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
