You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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