opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
