I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
