Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
