she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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