OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
