Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
