the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
