Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
