This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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