Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
