the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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