I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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