I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
