you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
