So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
