Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
