I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize