literally had 100 drinks last night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
