A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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