I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
