This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
