i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I party with great urgency now.
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