I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
