I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
