I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
