i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
