Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
