The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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