If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
