I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
