Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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