does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
