What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize