According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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