its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
