Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
