then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
